I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
