I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
