glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
