True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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