apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
