My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
