Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
