New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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