you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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