ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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