i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
