Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
