So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
