sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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