This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
