How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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