She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
