I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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