i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
