I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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