i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
