I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
