She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
