My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
