Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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