so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
