Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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