I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
