i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I met the friendliest cop last night
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
