i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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