I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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