from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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