I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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