I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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