just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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