Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
