I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
