She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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