Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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