God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
