and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
