I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
