Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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