i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
