On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
