Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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