i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
