I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You took a bar mat shot.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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