so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
