i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
