I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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